TheCourtRose

Wound silver yarn around the sunflowers It's shining in the dark like an insistent spider worked overnight to keep the garden from falling over I am a black widow, you know It's how I learned to weave so well I have poisoned and twisted more hearts than I care to remember Infecting them slowly, untraceable so they come willingly into the web Besotted prey is the best Drunk on what they believe is love I have been tangling them since the moment we met

They want us frantic see? Frenetic and hustling Panicked workers make the best batteries They want us lonely and starving 'cause if we're satiated together they diminish Learning the art of the slow down is radical it is undermining from deep breaths down into our toes, to fucking like our lives depend on it

Laying under the trees and watching them sway The park is a swirling sea of technological humanity and I am clinging to the branches hoping for stillness I cannot breathe, can barely move One inch to the left will make me aware of my body which I am doing my best to ignore The discomfort the urge to vomit up breakfast the ill fitting skin and disordered thoughts The diner we walked into was a full-bellied plate A trucker named Roy stretched out across a booth, lanky legs taking up all the space He sipped his coffee with casual arrogance The diner was full of families and family-sized meals It took every ounce of control I had to not order two Nauseated and sick before I was even half way done with the first I didn't want to eat but I want to eat everything I didn't want to eat but I am always starving I don't want to eat but I am obsessed with what to eat next No one judged Roy I wonder if I would allow myself to take up so much space I am uncertain Uncertain about so much

I squeal "Costco wishes!" when I see them Bulk wishes You need a membership to purchase wishes Dandelions on steroids I always wanted curly hair wishes I hope I get a good parking spot wishes Little, innocuous desires Harmless and fleeting Giddy, I want to grab a fistful and run, thrust to the wind What to do with this magic? Rewrite the world wishes Huge wishes Like second star to the right Like I hope the world doesn't burn or  I wish my mother had lived to see me happy Gargantuan wishes Deep wishes Quiet wishes Wish I had never met him Wish I had never been raped That I could be who I am without the scars Wish  I was still the little girl who only wanted curly hair ...Selfish wishes Wish I could only see the blooms, only the weed, only the dirt Not the possibilities  Not the heartbreak of wishing it had been different

I was hoping the scars wouldn't show Silly of me How could they not, when I was eviscerated stem to stern? Whether 11 years or 11 days, today they ache Today they are inflamed, buckled and knotted The flesh around them is a gnarled purple-heart Normally, I take some pride in having survived so much Today I hope the Valkyries ignore me, fly on It is exhausting living with a sword in your hand, just in case

You are a giant, quaking tree erupting from a frozen tundra Your kiss is spearmint, a cool breeze when our breaths mingle At least, this is how my brain processes your presence -          a  breath of fresh air, a miracle emerging You are two hours on the Last Kiss Bridge You are spontaneous hand ground coffee at a Taos rest stop  while waking up to blustering markets You... are unexpected My brain interprets your signals, assigns narrative and lineage Always gifted at finding patterns, making connections Could simply be creative coping or it could explain why you feel iceberg blue when I am in your arms          Not cerulean, robin's egg, or sky                      Iceberg. You would have to go to Alaska to see the precise shade I do not have any other way to articulate the immensity of you Cannot explain how the gentleness in your soul shook me apart Missing you is gratitude Missing you is also longing for bridges and Milky Ways and lonely, belligerent fireflies dancing alone in