Cracked Numbers

In 2 days it would've been 8 years together
but 7 months and 26 days ago we hit the 1 year mark of breaking

I added it up one night
7 different kisses I shared with someone else
and I would trade every one

Not for more time, not for more love
but for you to believe me when I say
I'm sorry

I'm sorry for the 3 times I broke up with you
without the backbone to make it stick
For the countless times I evaded and dodged,
each one building into a lie
For every okay I mumbled,
when I was far from fine with you
For the 1,349.3 miles I moved, from there to here
because at 23 years old I was running away from home

For every time I didn't believe you when you said I was pretty
and each  man I found to prove myself wrong
For the 1 glistening knife I put in your back after we broke up

because the depth of my insecurity can justify almost anything

For those key moments when I chose surrender instead of fight,
never completely insisting you be the man I needed you to be
For each time I made it okay for you to hide from me and yourself

For the 7 times I crawled back to you,
an addict taking shelter in your love,
knowing full well I would betray it again once a craving hit

Because of the choices I've made

the numbers are stacked against me
Knowing that half the responsbility for 6 years not working
is on my shoulders
I have never been more sorry for it
than I am right now

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Confession (or A Ways from Caramel Apples)

I must confess, I used to be anorexic. I figured now would be a good time to just lay that out on the table. Being a hiccup away from 25 is bringing a lot of things to light. I've never shared this in such an open way, but today seems like a good day. Between the age of 13 and 14 I barely ate anything at all and exercised sometimes over 6 hours a day. Unfortunately, this unprecedented surge of "self control" and "dedication" was met with more praise than alarm. I am the perfect storm of components that make up a person who develops this disorder. Some of those components are dark and personal; I won't be sharing those here. However, I did want to talk about expanding. Ironic, eh? Someone who once dedicated herself so completely to disappearing now wants to discuss actually taking up space in the universe. Lately, I've been desperate to feel some growth- legitimately growing up, with all the attendant responsibilities and heartaches thereto. My poem Ra...
Read more

ChocolateSushiCouture- Photo shoot, Spring 2009

Image
I never thought that on a rainy spring day I would be in a studio in downtown Chicago with a cute little assistant shyly rubbing bronzer into my legs. He was so shy, in fact, that he couldn't continue up to my thighs. (A fact made obvious later when my skirt hiked up and the skin was pale enough to blind Helen Keller.) Nor did I think that I'd have an exuberant stylist (see below) with his hands up said skirt, and down my shirt as well. ("Don't worry honey, this means nothing to me.") Ah, it's a good life I discovered just a scant few months ago. My friend, plus-size model Teslyn Butler , who I met at a commercial shoot, recommended me to a local designer named Niehla Ollie who was in dire straights for a Caucasian, curvy model. After sending a few snapshots through email, Niehla agreed to use me for a small photo shoot. I was folded into an enthusiastic embrace in her apartment and immediately put into make-up while I learned the basic ins-and-outs of plus...
Read more

Phoenix Song

the story of the phoenix doesn't mean much when it's told over and over again but no one stops to plan it means you gotta die no roll of the dye you have to choose to die in order to live again we keep talking of ashes and flames but it's just games until someone grabs the torch and makes the choice to expeditiously expand their own demise in order to move beyond simply surviving the story of the phoenix is bloody and lonely the song of the phoenix is melancholy and wondrous but we speak so easily of such things as if putting your Self on the altar is no mean feat no force no remorse your choice your voice screeches higher as flesh and blood sizzle away in self made fire cracked tears and dried lips praying you weren't wrong praying you'll wake up on the other side on the inside when the song of the phoenix cries better say goodbye 'cause swim or burn sink or fly either way you're gonna die
Read more