TheCourtRose

knocking, locking hipbones with Death grinding teeth through fleshless kiss tongue seeking pomegranate seeds between Its teeth there is nothing above for me no surface treasures worthwhile my way is further down amidst snowdrops and belladonna growing in the deep would sooner take Death between my thighs in the loamy dirt than have the sun burn my skin and call it love

After draining the moonshine use the bottle as a bludgeon Belabor the unkindness Already on a roll might as well apologize to your rapists, too since you're so hell bent on dyin'

swallowed a storm the fat of it stuck to my hips my chest and thighs thunder and bolts when I walk laugh my eating disorder consuming the world but lamenting that it clings

There are a few things I can promise you- Behind this door, there is space enough for tears to fill a gorge and I will bucket that shit out of your boat You can rage and scream and I will gleefully hand you breakables We can paint your toes poppy pink, or use acetone to remove each flake of color We can smash every mirror in this place until we find the one where you recognize yourself I am so sorry we failed you that you would end up at this door at the edge of the world Truth has fallen so readily from your lips  (for so long) but every ear has been unmoved You were born knowing who you are- even if those who have loved you longest  insisted you forget There is time now to stop  To breathe To look behind at how the wooded paths have led you exactly here Do you know where you are now? You are on the threshold of misfits and miscreants Of the discarded and bruised Forget-Me-Nots You are entering a Never Land of Lost Boys and

When we talked about AA over breakfast I could not fathom you giving yourself to God The religions you gleefully straddle seem half pagan-sweet/half adulterous-chaos to me You said that gravity is your higher power It is hard to grasp your lack of contradictions though I am learning to accept people for exactly who they show themselves to be Your eyes- bright bottle green/grey/gold more feral than tame -are distracting Funny because you gave up the bottle years ago Over waffles your misfit company is warm You could be the kindest human I have ever known -or the cruelest So far, you have only shown one face to me I would say the rest of you is in shadow but we both know that is inaccurate All of you is gauntlet thrown at the feet of the world You are a self-deprecating giggle and a matchbook In zero gravity, flames are blue and cold and dim Maybe this is how you subscribe to a higher power For sobriety and burning brightly before it all burns out

Perhaps there is a No between my shoulder blades I have separated my toes and looked behind my ears already I am afraid to dig, to cut my body open and root around Kept it superficial for sanity's sake There could be a No tucked into a lung, though or adjacent to the appendix It may just be a matter of searching long enough and hard enough- wanting a No badly enough to manifest its existence inside My skin is definitely saying Yes- as are my lips and hips and hair and hands Despite my best efforts my body is screaming affirmation I don't have the stomach to look inside my heart just yet It has never lied, nor hidden anything from me If I slice open my sternum, I will know for certain and today, I am not ready for that truth Needless to say all this unfolding is wildly inconvenient

In my loneliest moments when I am a child fearing the dark you are gone from me as if night itself ripped you from my arms I reach for you in empty spaces Turn corners still calling your name Confused because you were only just here I was holding your hand and making you laugh You were gazing at me with soft, clouded eyes Light dripping from your ever-shrinking frame Body dissolving to make room for your erupting soul And erupt it did! Up and out and away from me In my best moments your multi-colored flight gives me joy but even breathing hurts now My lungs register your absence as a lack of air Shadows creep closer, filling the unoccupied space I will never forgive the night for leaving me here without you … so you send me butterflies from the other side of the door They cascade across my gardens and follow me when I walk Caterpillars, too On the verge of their own arrival, struggling in their cocoons Such insistent life! Even on