A Duck on the Water

(A response and agreement.)

I bluster a lot,

puffing up my feathers and saavy-

mostly because I am further away from my personal truth

than I ever imagined I'd be
 With a wiggle and knowing wink,

"Man, if that fucker ever touches me again,

I'll kick his balls into his throat"

with my cocktail tray cocked on hip,

gliding across the floor,

hands shaking, rattling snifters against each other
But let's be honest,

I probably won't

because this is a job,

and his tip counts more than my integrity

All crumbs in the water when there's rent to pay,

and simply keeping out of reach will suffice

to keep his touch at bay

Bosses will shrug,

"Well, it's the industry" they say

When walking to work,

one polite smile on my side

turns into a slow crawling car behind me,

hanging out the window, spittle flying for my attention,

eyes enraged at my silence

I could say,

"I shrugged that shit off and flipped the him the bird!"

But to be honest,

it never crossed my lips

Scared enough to stagger into a diner for help

The owner offering a ride with his dry chuckle unwanted between us,

"What are you doing to get his attention?"

Heading home, cutting close to the park with the pond,

a stranger pulls up, calling me close

My instinct,

shuddering me in shame,

was to go to him

Simply because he asked me to,

because being impolite is bad,

because instincts of flight cower before training

Stepping out of his car, arm outstretched

I could've said, "Fuck off"

but he was larger than me, stronger by far

Knowing if he grabbed hold,

nothing in my power could pry him away

Knowing a slap from me would be shrugged off,

but the reverse would leave my teeth scattered on the sidewalk,

molten, hardened feathers against cracked pavement

Feet flew me out and away,

got me far enough to cry without being seen

When educational assessment

begins as "Young and enthusiastic

Energetic 

Friendly

An obvious favorite of the students

Great teaching career ahead of you!"

But shifts into shadows of "Highly inappropriate

Lack of  boundaries

Not to victim blame, but...

Really, what did you do to encourage him?"

Because a barely eighteen, Southside cock-of-the-walk

asks for a date because I'm single

His first ever college course,
me only a few years older and no wedding band

Instead of shaming him, berating him,

I saw his age-

His upbringing and earnestness

Turned him down softly enough to salvage pride,

gently enough to keep him in class,

carefully enough to keep his promise of being the first to graduate

Believing in him enough to want him to finish

To this day, still not sure if I was right
to take his education upon the sanctity of my flesh

Yet who to turn my rage upon?

The female supervisor,

turning my best attributes against me,

blaming me for his attention,

hating me for protecting him?

The young student,

for eyeing me while I taught,

turning my classroom into a bar,
my mind into a piece of ass for the hunt?
Possessing the temerity to assume I could be his?

At myself,

for the sweater I wore,

for getting to know him?

A thousand other things,

and never knowing even now if I just enabled

one more asshole in a bar,

wearing a student's smile and fumbling feet

How desperately I want to tell you these things,

the good men of the world

But let's be honest,
I won't
Been a duck on the water too long

What seem to you to be outliers, extenuation,

are everyday-

the triggers of nightmares and memories of being prey

Yet, refusing now to bluster and brave on,

disingenuous to experience

Cannot use sass to sashay away from misogyny

Though the desire to stand firm, 

unflappable against unrepentant violation is strong-

just a duck in the bar,

playing the game and playing it well

Hand prints and words shedding into water, sinking silt

The cool exterior cracks with time,

the ability to paddle underneath suffers from quaking kneecaps,

rattling like glasses on a tray

I can no longer be what I was

Too afraid to be anything else,

but let's be honest,

I probably won't stay this way for long-
the desire to fly sways stronger than the fear
of being shot down