Badassery Incarnate in a Badass Suit Made of Badass

I'm not sure what got in to me this evening. I think the voices in my head that are constantly bringing me down and telling me "You're not good enough" or "You'll never accomplish anything" or worse yet, "You never commit to anything!" said one too many things today.

I'm tired of listening to them.

I sat down to write a letter to my dissenters- the shadows in my brain, born from real life bullies or the casual assessments of loved ones, that consistently rake their nails across my confidence.

This is my letter to me.

***

"Badassery Incarnate in a Badass Suit Made of Badass"

I finished high school at the top of my class at the age of 17 (having skipped eighth grade completely) with honors, as an awarded thespian, with a free ride to the local university, with additional scholarships and grants awarded to the out-of-state private college of my choice, with my freshman year completely paid for, as well as one full semester of academics already completed through AP examinations. Oh, and voted Class Clown, as well. Plus, over 10 years later, still have the SAME best friends I did on the day we graduated. (Hi guys!) Who manage to stay in touch with grace and dignity despite all of us being separated by distance.

Graduated from college Cum Laude, from the Honors Program. with a Bachelor of Arts in English, a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, a published chapbook, managing editor for the school literary magazine, leading member of the university chorus and chamber choir, having finished my final semester of school as a Resident Advisor, Teaching Assistant, and working part-time in the office answering phones, as well as being accepted into my first graduate school of choice overseas. Having paid for everything during college except for a ticket home at Christmas and at summer time, including a semester abroad in Italy, during which I ran out of money and sang on the street (literally) to feed myself more than once.

Graduated from a two year master's program with Distinction with a Master of Arts in Creative and Media Writing, with a focus on fiction, while healing from a severe bout of clinical depression and having sent in my thesis via mail, with no on-site support, within 6 months of flying home, all the while moving to a new city, and finding work full-time, while attending vocational school part-time at night with an hour and a half commute there and back, and no car. Not mention having the gigantic balls to leave an unhealthy relationship of over six years.

Moved home after having kept the same job in academics for five years, plus one promotion into teaching college courses, to help terminally ill parents. Began in vocational work, but the stress of helping family was too much to handle with a new job so my skills in that area were put on the back-burner. I moved into the service industry instead for money and flexibility, and stayed there for two years, gaining another promotion into management and healing from another bout of clinical depression. I now am currently back in vocational work after having both parents pass away and forced (literally, at gunpoint, from three armed robbers) out of my job in the service industry, while developing  and maintaining a healthy relationship of almost three years.

So...

NO, I do not have a problem with commitment. I have already accomplished a great deal, and I was BORN good enough.

I am so good at committing, actually, that sometimes I don't know when to quit, even for my own fucking health. I am a warrior. I am badassery incarnate in a badass suit made of badass with pinstripes and a bow tie. I have more education that most people and an IQ of a near genius. (Literally.)

My thoughts fluctuate daily because I'm a freakin' human being! I've been on the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime. Sometimes I'm not sure what I'm doing, and those privy to the my deepest thoughts and desires know that I can be all over the place in my head and my heart.

Lord knows I have made some hefty mistakes along the way... I've come close to walking away several times, and in some cases, I should have listened to that voice sooner. In other cases, I've had loved ones talk me back to my path and teach me how to breathe through the pain and uncertainty. I've stumbled and fallen down so many times, but you know what I don't regret? THE BIG ASS DECISIONS I'VE HAD TO MAKE.

When it comes down to action, to making the hard choices, to standing firm in a storm, I AM A GODDAMN LIGHTHOUSE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING DARKNESS.

But yes, I can be quite finicky about my hair sometimes... My apologies. I'll work on that.

However, I WILL NOT apologize to those who judge me (whether internal or external) or refuse to understand where I've come from and what I've had to do. I will not apologize for the depths of my emotions, or the intensity with which I display said emotions. I will not apologize for having a variety of interests, and frankly, being really freakin' good at whatever I decide I want to do. This makes me dynamic and interesting, not commitment phobic. I will not apologize for wanting to live a life that is rich and full and deep. I will not apologize for not taking vows when I am not ready, or not committing to a person, place or thing, simply because society has deemed it is time for me to do so.

What I am... is tired. What I am is sick of holding myself to some arbitrary standard that has nothing to do with me as an individual. What I am is proud of everything I've accomplished, including being a support system for my family when they needed me most. I am exhausted by the dissenters in my brain and in my heart, the shadows, trying to convince me that I am something less than I am, because I am MAGNIFICENT.

So this is me telling you to officially. FUCK. OFF.

Yours Truly,

Me