TheCourtRose

Orgasms splinter me Gasping darkness tilts into oblivion I am a thousand different breaths on the other side The distance mounts between us I cannot tell you that making love is suicide I don't want to die

 My body is erupting     now that it is safe I am volcano lurching     l ava stumbling down the mountainside rather than flowing My body is cracking earth     partly from multiple orgasms     partly because the ground was stripped bare Never laid fallow, and practically sown with salt My greatest act of love is to explode     t o trust our homeland enough to shatter There is respite with you Enough so that my body breathes     and breathes     and breathes I shake with rising wounds     s wallow apologies you do not want to hear The only one ashamed of my breaking is me You can see far more easily -      w hen I am hip deep in tectonic crashing - the fertile soil erupting in buds from new turned earth I just need time     and tending     and time     

Wound silver yarn around the sunflowers It's shining in the dark like an insistent spider worked overnight to keep the garden from falling over I am a black widow, you know It's how I learned to weave so well I have poisoned and twisted more hearts than I care to remember Infecting them slowly, untraceable so they come willingly into the web Besotted prey is the best Drunk on what they believe is love I have been tangling them since the moment we met

They want us frantic see? Frenetic and hustling Panicked workers make the best batteries They want us lonely and starving 'cause if we're satiated together they diminish Learning the art of the slow down is radical it is undermining from deep breaths down into our toes, to fucking like our lives depend on it

Laying under the trees and watching them sway The park is a swirling sea of technological humanity and I am clinging to the branches hoping for stillness I cannot breathe, can barely move One inch to the left will make me aware of my body which I am doing my best to ignore The discomfort the urge to vomit up breakfast the ill fitting skin and disordered thoughts The diner we walked into was a full-bellied plate A trucker named Roy stretched out across a booth, lanky legs taking up all the space He sipped his coffee with casual arrogance The diner was full of families and family-sized meals It took every ounce of control I had to not order two Nauseated and sick before I was even half way done with the first I didn't want to eat but I want to eat everything I didn't want to eat but I am always starving I don't want to eat but I am obsessed with what to eat next No one judged Roy I wonder if I would allow myself to take up so much space I am uncertain Uncertain about so much ...

I squeal "Costco wishes!" when I see them Bulk wishes You need a membership to purchase wishes Dandelions on steroids I always wanted curly hair wishes I hope I get a good parking spot wishes Little, innocuous desires Harmless and fleeting Giddy, I want to grab a fistful and run, thrust to the wind What to do with this magic? Rewrite the world wishes Huge wishes Like second star to the right Like I hope the world doesn't burn or  I wish my mother had lived to see me happy Gargantuan wishes Deep wishes Quiet wishes Wish I had never met him Wish I had never been raped That I could be who I am without the scars Wish  I was still the little girl who only wanted curly hair ...Selfish wishes Wish I could only see the blooms, only the weed, only the dirt Not the possibilities  Not the heartbreak of wishing it had been different

I was hoping the scars wouldn't show Silly of me How could they not, when I was eviscerated stem to stern? Whether 11 years or 11 days, today they ache Today they are inflamed, buckled and knotted The flesh around them is a gnarled purple-heart Normally, I take some pride in having survived so much Today I hope the Valkyries ignore me, fly on It is exhausting living with a sword in your hand, just in case

You are a giant, quaking tree erupting from a frozen tundra Your kiss is spearmint, a cool breeze when our breaths mingle At least, this is how my brain processes your presence -          a  breath of fresh air, a miracle emerging You are two hours on the Last Kiss Bridge You are spontaneous hand ground coffee at a Taos rest stop  while waking up to blustering markets You... are unexpected My brain interprets your signals, assigns narrative and lineage Always gifted at finding patterns, making connections Could simply be creative coping or it could explain why you feel iceberg blue when I am in your arms          Not cerulean, robin's egg, or sky                      Iceberg. You would have to go to Alaska to see the precise shade I do not have any other way to articulate the immensity of you Cannot explain how the gentleness in your soul shook me apart Missing yo...

  Let me be naked in your house Help me draw a bath of lavender and salt I will disrobe the ghosts that tug my shoulders Leave me be here in your home Welcome me in when I have nothing to give so I can wash my weary bones

Where I want to be is over there Yet each time I climb on a carousel hoping it will take me one step closer Round and round and round and round Eternally the optimist yet handpicking the same sad story Always ending dizzy, confused, in the same exact spot For fuck's sake I am seriously sick of this shit

I knelt in the grass Nothing would do but to surrender To submit, to remember How long have I slept this time? Dirt under my fingernails washed away Sacred space between my shoulderblades tender each morning Body anxious to move Wings ache to unfurl - brush doorways, encompass space, touch sky I made myself small again Always slow, always on accident "Accumulated acquiescence" Exponential self-doubt giving birth in rabbited fits Spreading to gut, to limbs, to heart, to loins Soon languid numbness fuses to bone Mind is quick to succumb - acquiescence is rewarded so sweetly It is not enough to wake We must wake and wake and wake again We must be feral Shed apathy from our spirit like droplets on wing To remember who we are God, aren't you tired of being so careful? Earth is not careful, neither is sky - we are children of both I am best with dirt beneath my nails, crushed between toes, with wings built from stardust I have always been this way We are so much more than the w...

Tree outside is laden with tiny yellow blooms Air thick with the smell of honeysuckle or wisteria but not quite A sweetness I cannot identify, it is foreign to my senses Bees hum by the hundreds a consistent thrum outside my door Just there Only just there I am waking up with you You are close to me Arms are unfolding for you even if my eyes are still sleepy Memorizing the length of your nose and self-deprecating tilt in your lips I yawn and I stretch this way and that way like the ballet of boughs Feeling parts of my body shift and creak having slumbered for years I am hungry So very, very hungry for you There has been starvation in my bones and deprivation in my muscle but you insist upon satiation thoroughness attentiveness playfulness My cup is overflowing with honey before it is even noon I am waking up to you, love How have you been outside my door this entire time?

When we sat close enough to touch I would twirl the golden watch around her wrist Feel the smooth grooves slide beneath my sticky fingers Ritualistic and soothing Spin the watch three times A binding spell to keep her near She wore the gold band unconsciously For every outfit In every photo She lamented the loss of diamonds, the family crest, before I was born What are these things to me? Cold and sparkling idioms from a distant past Those were not my treasures Spin the watch three times again Her smile was the winter sun I wanted nothing more than to be scorched by her warmth Though she tried and tried nothing could bridge the distance of seasons I would hug her tightly to me and say-  I'm not finished yet when she pulled away Just spin the watch three more times On my own wrist I wear it now though it's broken Feeling the smoothed grooves and softened edges In the end when I hugged her goodbye, she pulled me close, tighter and said- I'...

Eyes Lion-bright, a mber soaked in whiskey Twin cocktails of savage understanding Enough to surrender belly up Not "nice" Too insipid a descriptor It's kindess A tangible place A geographic coordinate There are degrees, minutes and seconds to the fracture  that softened you A turn around the corner Behind a closed door A 3 click shift of the door handle, 2 minute walk inside a hidden room, 6 second 360 degree turn A fissure cracks along the wall  curving like a backbone Toppling a few books to the floor A table overturned, but the couch is welcoming and worn Light bursts through the windows  mindless of the hesitant, jagged glass There is repair here An under reconstruction Yet the table is set for tea, pot still warm The light is so very clear, goldenrod erupting The very center of you Only caught in glimpses

Gathered wishes from deserted roadside Bundled with scattering of violet wildflowers Stuck to fingers Clung to lips Tenacious in their need A crumpled hand A puff of air Breathed into being on dry seeded snow Cascaded into oncoming wind, lifted away Set free to enact themselves upon the world and return gently - a kiss of fallow winter on the brows of their redeemers Like so many things A breathe of life A release A return home

November 4, 2018 Marigold Parade South Valley, Albuquerque New Mexico Southwestern United States of America Northern American Continent Sometime between 12:30 and 1pm in the afternoon Mountain Standard Time We lay in the grass My head on your chest The rumbling of your voice settling into my bones I watched grey, low slung autumn clouds roll across the sky Our hands were intwined It was then I knew I was in love with you I will not tell you this now It’s too soon, of course But one day  you will know the exact moment you shifted me forever

I want to connect the freckles on your back Create unknown constellations You laugh delightedly when I say this as though you are uncertain if I am joking You will come to know- I never joke about adventure Sail away with me on strange seas Unfamiliar celestials pricking the water with shine I can trace the universe upon your skin Fabricate a star map to venture by Navigate slowly, relish the discovery We cannot get lost if we have no destination, but I have a compass tattooed near the crook of my elbow just in case You have traced this space with nimble fingers and lips already As if there are charts between us at night you study the landscape while I sleep Taking notes, outlining mountains, memorizing rivers, observing the dance of clouds Certain I will wake to you muttering longitude and latitude of far off places into my shoulder Come away with me? Adventure awaits and I can already taste the salty air in my mouth (Written Novem...

knocking, locking hipbones with Death grinding teeth through fleshless kiss tongue seeking pomegranate seeds between Its teeth there is nothing above for me no surface treasures worthwhile my way is further down amidst snowdrops and belladonna growing in the deep would sooner take Death between my thighs in the loamy dirt than have the sun burn my skin and call it love

After draining the moonshine use the bottle as a bludgeon Belabor the unkindness Already on a roll might as well apologize to your rapists, too since you're so hell bent on dyin'