Ducklings

Laying under the trees and watching them sway

The park is a swirling sea of technological humanity
and I am clinging to the branches
hoping for stillness

I cannot breathe, can barely move
One inch to the left will make me aware of my body
which I am doing my best to ignore
The discomfort
the urge to vomit up breakfast
the ill fitting skin and disordered thoughts

The diner we walked into was a full-bellied plate
A trucker named Roy stretched out across a booth, lanky legs taking up all the space
He sipped his coffee with casual arrogance
The diner was full of families
and family-sized meals
It took every ounce of control I had to not order two
Nauseated and sick before I was even half way done with the first
I didn't want to eat
but I want to eat everything
I didn't want to eat
but I am always starving

I don't want to eat
but I am obsessed with what to eat next

No one judged Roy
I wonder if I would allow myself to take up so much space
I am uncertain
Uncertain about so much these days

I cannot lay down arms
I cannot stop
You ask while I lay under the trees what would happen if I stopped fighting

I say
if I stopped fighting I would swallow the world

I have sat in my car
weeping
too many times to count
Knowing I should eat and unable to
Knowing I should eat but hearing my demise in every bite

If I stop fighting I will eat the world
and everyone will know the truth
I am not who I say I am
This is a sham, a lie
My confidence is glitter and the shellac is peeling from my skin one knick at a time

I will eat the world
and you will crawl into my insides
You will see the wounds, the double stitched scars from bad repair jobs
You will see the rapes
All the rapes
So many

You will see that I am a raped, chubby child
stealing Oreos from the kitchen and eating them at the side of the house where no one can watch me
Like I hid at the side of the house where the water hose was
to wash the blood from my thighs

You will see my sister turn me in triumphantly
so my parents can shame me accordingly
Her skinny, knobby knees knocking together in barely contained excitement

You will see my mother shake her heavy head in shame,
not understanding why I cannot stop eating
Pinching and sighing at her own thighs in disgust
Not the first time she implied having children was her greatest mistake

I am always bigger, taller, stronger
Standing in the back row of every school photo
Wearing shorts bigger than my sister three years older than me

I cannot hide, even when I want to

If I stop fighting,
I will eat the world
I will eat you
and you will know me for what I truly am
A starving, desperate child

Alone, alone, alone
Raped and alone

I cannot stop
but I cannot continue
This is hell
Living in a house of circus mirrors, unable to trust any reflection

I envy Roy his surety
So certain of his place in the world

I envy the families with their full-bellied plates

I envy the trees their sway and rooted earth

I feed the ducks at the pond near the tree
There is one with a mighty pompadour named Mozart
Wonder where his symphony is
Despite his grandeur, he is rushed away by an aggressor
A simple, unremarkable duck
You would never have guessed an assassin in feathers

I take out one piece of bread at a time
break it into particular pieces
My love grabs handfuls, rips exuberantly and tosses it away
She is through half the loaf and I am still working on my first piece

The adults are selfish, greedy
Shoving the soft  nubile ducklings away
I am angry on their behalf
sending them encouragement,
telling them to fight for their place

Tears are stinging my eyes
because the adults won't let the babies eat

I start grabbing handfuls of bread,
chunks of anger scattered into the mud and dirt
like stolen apples of discord

The babies must eat, I keep telling myself

The babies must eat to live