Choosing Gratitude
Gratitude is defined as "The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness."
I've been starting to shut down a bit lately. Not in huge amounts, but getting up later and later for work, having a harder and harder time waking up, not doing as much around the apartment. I don't think I'm depressed (been there, done that) but I am bone-weary and very frustrated. My life simply is not what I thought it would be, or what I think it should be. But should is a very, very dangerous word.
Should is defined as "1) Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions- He should have been careful. 2) Indicating a desirable or expected state- By now students should be able to read.
However, looking back, I can't identify the point when I knew exactly where my life was going, or having any specific goal in mind. All I know is that I wanted it to be easy. (Even reading my own commentary makes me cringe.) That is very hard to admit. I wanted my life to flow unhindered. I wanted my relationships to have depth and meaning, while never getting in my way, or making me doubt myself. I wanted interpersonal communication to be natural. I wanted jobs to fall all over themselves to hire me. I wanted romance and adventure, and stability. I wanted my life to just be the way it should be for me. But it's not. I left a 6 year relationship for legitimate, and not-so-legitimate, reasons. I've had to let go of several friendships. I've struggled with my family, watching them become strangers from far away, wondering if we'd all survive each other. I am working at a job I am beginning to hate, for pay that barely covers half my bills. I am living with a fabulous roommate and friend, but am embittered by my own need for help right now. In short, most of the time, just beneath the surface, I want to rage and cry and scream. I do not recognize myself, or my life.
This is where gratitude needs to step in. Although I can't afford my own place, I have a roof over my head because my roommate cares about me. I don't have the ideal job, but in this economy, I am able to pay a majority of my way which is more than many can say. I am not eating all the things I want, but I have food in my belly. I have the necessities, and more importantly, I have developed a network of people who genuinely care about me and my well being. These are wondrous things, worthy of gratitude.
But I realize I am not behaving grateful. I am feeling spiteful, shut-down, arrogant, and whiny. I am feeling humbled that the Universe did not recognize my own magnificence and hand me my desires immediately. I am having a hard time, right how, while I'm writing these words, even believing this is coming from me. Is this really me? How did I become so arthritic? Where did I develop such arrogance? Well, when you stick to what comes naturally, to what you know you're good at, you start to think that life is easy when it's not. I'm smart, I travel well, I have a knack with people and a way with words. I have coasted on these gifts for a very long time.
But that's only part of it. I am feeling entitled. Not only am I not feeling grateful, I am feeling like the Universe owes me because of what I've had to struggle through, and damn it, why can't something just be simple for once? Everyone is blessed with certain gifts, and everyone has darkness to overcome. The darkness in my past has left me shaken, un-trusting, and with a sense of entitlement. Being grateful, truly grateful, is a vulnerability I rarely allow myself to feel. It's been my experience that gratitude makes you beholden, makes you obligated and leads to victimization. So, even when the chips are down and my amazing friends are pulling me out of the muck, it is very nearly impossible for me to admit gratitude in a healthy way. I am either so ridiculously grateful that it makes people uncomfortable, or my back goes up and I act as though it was only a matter of time before I got up myself, but your assistance is appreciated thankyouverymuchindeed. Like always, I am searching for a way in between. I am seeking healthy boundaries that protect me, while also allowing me to just be fucking thankful that my friends didn't leave me in the cold when I needed them most.
Where to go from here?
I'm not sure, quite honestly. A good place to start would be to get up on time, and not to be late to work. Do the dishes and clean the apartment because it's my living space and deserves some respect. Being thankful and appreciative of my friends and my roommate for helping me. And possibly trying some things that don't come naturally to me. I could try practicing gratitude, and letting go of some my resentment and embarrassment. I could stop saying should, because whether I like or not, whatever my plans were originally, this is my life. Some things I can control, a lot of things I can't, but one thing is for certain- every day I have the choice to be grateful for my life, its gifts, its lessons, my friends and my choices, or not. I want to be the person who chooses gratitude.
I've been starting to shut down a bit lately. Not in huge amounts, but getting up later and later for work, having a harder and harder time waking up, not doing as much around the apartment. I don't think I'm depressed (been there, done that) but I am bone-weary and very frustrated. My life simply is not what I thought it would be, or what I think it should be. But should is a very, very dangerous word.
Should is defined as "1) Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions- He should have been careful. 2) Indicating a desirable or expected state- By now students should be able to read.
However, looking back, I can't identify the point when I knew exactly where my life was going, or having any specific goal in mind. All I know is that I wanted it to be easy. (Even reading my own commentary makes me cringe.) That is very hard to admit. I wanted my life to flow unhindered. I wanted my relationships to have depth and meaning, while never getting in my way, or making me doubt myself. I wanted interpersonal communication to be natural. I wanted jobs to fall all over themselves to hire me. I wanted romance and adventure, and stability. I wanted my life to just be the way it should be for me. But it's not. I left a 6 year relationship for legitimate, and not-so-legitimate, reasons. I've had to let go of several friendships. I've struggled with my family, watching them become strangers from far away, wondering if we'd all survive each other. I am working at a job I am beginning to hate, for pay that barely covers half my bills. I am living with a fabulous roommate and friend, but am embittered by my own need for help right now. In short, most of the time, just beneath the surface, I want to rage and cry and scream. I do not recognize myself, or my life.
This is where gratitude needs to step in. Although I can't afford my own place, I have a roof over my head because my roommate cares about me. I don't have the ideal job, but in this economy, I am able to pay a majority of my way which is more than many can say. I am not eating all the things I want, but I have food in my belly. I have the necessities, and more importantly, I have developed a network of people who genuinely care about me and my well being. These are wondrous things, worthy of gratitude.
But I realize I am not behaving grateful. I am feeling spiteful, shut-down, arrogant, and whiny. I am feeling humbled that the Universe did not recognize my own magnificence and hand me my desires immediately. I am having a hard time, right how, while I'm writing these words, even believing this is coming from me. Is this really me? How did I become so arthritic? Where did I develop such arrogance? Well, when you stick to what comes naturally, to what you know you're good at, you start to think that life is easy when it's not. I'm smart, I travel well, I have a knack with people and a way with words. I have coasted on these gifts for a very long time.
But that's only part of it. I am feeling entitled. Not only am I not feeling grateful, I am feeling like the Universe owes me because of what I've had to struggle through, and damn it, why can't something just be simple for once? Everyone is blessed with certain gifts, and everyone has darkness to overcome. The darkness in my past has left me shaken, un-trusting, and with a sense of entitlement. Being grateful, truly grateful, is a vulnerability I rarely allow myself to feel. It's been my experience that gratitude makes you beholden, makes you obligated and leads to victimization. So, even when the chips are down and my amazing friends are pulling me out of the muck, it is very nearly impossible for me to admit gratitude in a healthy way. I am either so ridiculously grateful that it makes people uncomfortable, or my back goes up and I act as though it was only a matter of time before I got up myself, but your assistance is appreciated thankyouverymuchindeed. Like always, I am searching for a way in between. I am seeking healthy boundaries that protect me, while also allowing me to just be fucking thankful that my friends didn't leave me in the cold when I needed them most.
Where to go from here?
I'm not sure, quite honestly. A good place to start would be to get up on time, and not to be late to work. Do the dishes and clean the apartment because it's my living space and deserves some respect. Being thankful and appreciative of my friends and my roommate for helping me. And possibly trying some things that don't come naturally to me. I could try practicing gratitude, and letting go of some my resentment and embarrassment. I could stop saying should, because whether I like or not, whatever my plans were originally, this is my life. Some things I can control, a lot of things I can't, but one thing is for certain- every day I have the choice to be grateful for my life, its gifts, its lessons, my friends and my choices, or not. I want to be the person who chooses gratitude.
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