The Knife

She made eye contact across the table
and threw back her drink
A gauntlet thrown for me to pick up
I tipped mine back and my world tipped over

The last discernable memory I have

Evidently
being carried across the street ass over end, retching down the side of a car, having newly colored locks held away from a heaving face, and one liquid-filled phone call later
is how I finally managed to turn myself off

Except a pocket of memory somewhere in between
I had said,
I'm standing on the edge of a blade
On one side, I love him
On the other side, I need freedom

She looked at me and said,
You're forgetting the third side
There's a handle, love
You can hold on to these two things

It never occured to me, until several rounds in, that as out of control as I finally am
I'm beginning to truly hang on to myself

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