Faith and October Sunlight
That first October, after I moved to Wales for my master's program, I turned 22. In Numerology 22 is a master number. I was tickled by the coincidence and figured that Wales would be an interesting experience, to say the least.
This last weekend I turned 24. A solid two years later and I feel like a very different woman. As I've told everyone, I actually feel 24 years old. On practically every birthday before I never felt my age. I would always say, "Wow. I feel so much younger than ____!" Or "Man, I'm way older than ____." This year, for whatever reason, my age is perfect. My birthday was everything I needed it to be. I hadn't had a legitimate birthday party, complete with cake and singing, since I was in elementary school. Now I remember why kids get so excited.
This week I've been thinking a lot about where my life is headed. As I truck along I begin to understand that there are some things we simply can't control. So many things are out of our hands, and as much as we try, sometimes we don't know what is best for ourselves in the long run. How could we?
Only hindsight is 20/20.
Maybe the patient people in my life are finally rubbing off on me, or maybe it's because I'm a little older. Most wounds, given enough time and air, find a conclusion. Most confusion rights itself after a while. The life you think you're going to have isn't always the life that unfolds for you.
I've always been a believer that the Universe is an ordered force; that there are reasons for our pain, suffering, and joy, even if we don't yet understand. Even with this belief, I've spent a lot of energy trying to dictate every minute detail of my life, while simultaneously trying to escape all the uncertainty. I am beginning to reconcile the two. *enter Serenity Prayer here*
Maybe I'm starting to have a little faith. The more I let go of how I think things should be the more I am surprised by life and the people in it. The more space I give my fear and uncertainty, the more things I find to be survivable.
I never noticed how bright October can be. The sunlight is thick and golden, and draws me away from living in my head. There are some fundamental truths: Life is pain, life is joy, eventually everything ends, and even when you try your best, sometimes it isn't good enough.
I believe eventually things will make sense, but I don't want to waste precious time trying to make everything pretty and perfect and okay. There's sunlight outside and leftover birthday cake, and more surprises for tomorrow.
It's only now that I feel my master's program is over. Time to level up.
This last weekend I turned 24. A solid two years later and I feel like a very different woman. As I've told everyone, I actually feel 24 years old. On practically every birthday before I never felt my age. I would always say, "Wow. I feel so much younger than ____!" Or "Man, I'm way older than ____." This year, for whatever reason, my age is perfect. My birthday was everything I needed it to be. I hadn't had a legitimate birthday party, complete with cake and singing, since I was in elementary school. Now I remember why kids get so excited.
This week I've been thinking a lot about where my life is headed. As I truck along I begin to understand that there are some things we simply can't control. So many things are out of our hands, and as much as we try, sometimes we don't know what is best for ourselves in the long run. How could we?
Only hindsight is 20/20.
Maybe the patient people in my life are finally rubbing off on me, or maybe it's because I'm a little older. Most wounds, given enough time and air, find a conclusion. Most confusion rights itself after a while. The life you think you're going to have isn't always the life that unfolds for you.
I've always been a believer that the Universe is an ordered force; that there are reasons for our pain, suffering, and joy, even if we don't yet understand. Even with this belief, I've spent a lot of energy trying to dictate every minute detail of my life, while simultaneously trying to escape all the uncertainty. I am beginning to reconcile the two. *enter Serenity Prayer here*
Maybe I'm starting to have a little faith. The more I let go of how I think things should be the more I am surprised by life and the people in it. The more space I give my fear and uncertainty, the more things I find to be survivable.
I never noticed how bright October can be. The sunlight is thick and golden, and draws me away from living in my head. There are some fundamental truths: Life is pain, life is joy, eventually everything ends, and even when you try your best, sometimes it isn't good enough.
I believe eventually things will make sense, but I don't want to waste precious time trying to make everything pretty and perfect and okay. There's sunlight outside and leftover birthday cake, and more surprises for tomorrow.
It's only now that I feel my master's program is over. Time to level up.
Nice Megadeth reference.
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