Dear Ani

1
I'm in bed with you again
I am kissing your pouting mouth
and soft eyelids
You cling to me like a reckless burr
I can't seem to disentangle myself from your smooth limbs

God
you're everything I wanted to be
your delicate body wedged neatly into mine
Every breath I take
your arms squeeze tighter
Your hip bones
dig into me

I want to cradle you, seduce you, fuck you, kill you, be you

How long have we lain together like this?
a day
an hour
half my lifetime

I don't know if I want you to stay
but I am too weak to make you go

You knew
which is why you came back

I'm not sure you ever really left

2
During your absence
I picked up smoking,
not often
but just enough
to cut the frays
of an anxious mind

I never did learn to crave cigarettes
the way I craved you

3
I can't sleep
I'm not used to sharing my bed

You're polite enough
You don't hog the covers
You don't kick or talk

But you're here in my space,
invading my dreams

I sleep with my back to you,
pretend that you're not there

But when I have nightmares
and wake
sweating and terrified

I turn to you
wrap my arms around your slender frame,
hating myself for needing you

4
I'd invite you out to dinner

but somehow
I don't think that's wise

I'll order a water and salad
because you're watching me
and wondering why I have no control

Your eyes will glitter
with cold amusement

"Fat" you'll whisper

5
Who am I without you?
I'd grab you by your hair,
and kick your ass to the curb
if I knew what I'd be afterward

What will occupy
my mind if you leave?

You encompass every hesitation
and self-doubt

At least, in this
I know who I am in the world

6
I can’t see you anymore

Alone
I lie awake
thinking about the flash of your ribs
with every deep inhale

I used to count your breaths and
hold your icy hands,
the bones crunching into my palm

You always woke smiling
and me
the heaviness of my head made my body ache

I think about asking you to stay again

Just one more time

(an anonymous secret from The Post Secret Project)